i don't like being a girl sometimes. i think being a girl people think they can automatically look down on you. guys think that i should automatically fall into their arms. i don't like it. i don't like that i can't be just a guy's friend. just because my boy friend and i broke up doesn't mean that i'm available and looking. it doesn't mean that i want to kiss you, or go on dates with you, or want things from you. if i said, i want to be friends, don't try to fucking kiss me or get closer to me. i'll let you know that i like you. i can't go out anymore b/c guys are so gross. just b/c i danced w/you doesn't mean i'm going home with you, or ever seeing you again. i'll never understand how guys think we are their property or something. i can't even go on a date if i wanted to b/c my EX will get mad! wtf? he broke up w/me! i'm gonna go on dates when i find a good guy, but i just wish i didn't have to hear the bs when my ex finds out. its ridiculous. you love me or you don't its not that freaking hard!

guys you don't own us. we don't owe you anything.

i wish for once, somebody would treat me right. i watch Gilmore girls, and there is a guy on there named Dean...he is the sweetest boy friend to Rory! he really really cares about her, he surprises her, he protects her, he TRUSTS her, he's open and HONEST with her, he's LOYAL to her, and his friends don't hate her for NO good reason. will there only be guys like that on TV? if they are only on tv, i give up. i'll look forward to a life of spinsterhood. but i want a Dean.

i wanna be happy. and i want creepy assholes to leave me the fuck alone.

i just got a second job, my goal is to pay off my credit cards, save up, and move my ass back down to FL. i don't stop smiling when i'm there, that's gotta say something.

hummm that's all. i just needed to vent b/c i am sick of the way i've been treated!

why am i so sad? do other people feel as sad as often as i do?

empty days...they are no fun. days when you did nothing to impact a life, including your own...are depressing. days when you did nothing to better anything...are boring. days when you feel like you weren't even on this earth, living...are lonely. days when you feel that nobody cares...are sad. days when you read a book just so you can escape your own life...are the only escapes.

i need to listen. the people who have showed me, who have told me, that they don't care; i keep running back to. the people who would do anything for me; i get scared to get too close to. I'm a freaking retard. i know i am. i cause my own problems, my own sadness, my own misery...its so dumb because i know better. i know what i do is going to hurt me, but i am not strong enough to pick myself up and make things better for myself. where has all of my strength gone? i used to be so strong. i know i used to have support, but i need to learn to be strong on my own. for times like this, when i don't have my support around. i just don't know where i would find this strength that i need. i miss my friends-my brothers and sisters, my support, my motivation, my lifelines. i miss laughing and smiling. i miss passion. i miss spontaneousness. did my feelings run away with my strength also?

i'm just empty...just like my days.

so i just remembered that i had a lj! i wanna start using it again. when I'm upset, instead of feeling lost and lonely i can just come on here and vent. I'm not too sure how many of my friends still use this, but its cool.

my life continues to be an extreme roller coaster. since i moved to north Carolina I've had nothing but extreme highs or extreme lows. i just have been trying to find a constant. it had gotten to the point where even if i am in a constant sad, i will not mind, because at least I'm at a constant state of mind. this up and down crap has got to stop. its stressing me out.

i no longer work as the manager at the movie theater. i work at a tanning salon. very stress free, very good environment. i love seeing people come in and out of the salon with smiles. i love small chitchat with the clients. i can get a lot of homework and studying done there when we are slow. and i also do not get out at 1am anymore. the latest i work is 9. so that is nice. i am still working on making friends here. its really hard to because i don't live on campus, actually i live 30 min away from my school. i make a horrible commute to and from class. i am not involved in any clubs in school because i live 30 min away and i need to work. but i have some friends, and they are cool people. um school....i want out. i'm working hard, but not hard enough. sometimes i just have no motivation to get up and go to school. i get too depressed to drive to class. its sad, but i can't help it sometimes. i guess it is not motivation i lack. my motivation to go to school would be, the more i get done, the sooner i get out, and the sooner i get to move out of this hole and on with my life. but i just get too sad to go to class. its hard to explain. my love life has been riding the same roller coaster. extreme ups and downs. its so sad.

i just got back from florida not too long ago. i got to see my crew. we spent a few days at myrtle beach and then i drove down to boca for a few days. i got to see jessie's beautiful baby. and her gorgeous house. i'm so happy for her. she has a beautiful family. i am also a little jealous, at the rate i'm going i'll never be out of school and i'll never have a family. but anyways. i was very happy to be back home. it was refreshing and i needed to be there a lot more than i thought. i miss it just as much though. i did not really want to come back to nc.

thats all my big news right now. i'm glad i remembered i had lj! yay!

sooo not too much has been happening...i guess.

like i said a while back, i was moved to assistant manager at work. that has been going ok so far. i dont think i've seen the worst of things so i'm not looking forward to that...basically i just help the concession, box office, and usher people and over see the things they do. i take care of costumer complaints (yeah...fucking bitches) and i handle our cash! its not hard really until it comes time i have to count and handle the money...for some reason i am a retard and just cant do something as simple as that. but i think what it is is that the other managers are really fast at it and i am really slow so when i try to catch up with them i mess up. so i just have to take my time and eventually i will be fast like them!

the premiere of simple life season 4 ('till death do us part) was tonight. i have mixed feelings about this season. i just dont know if i will like it. i mean its still pretty funny...nicole makes that show so freakin hilarious. but i hate seeing the two hating each other. its just not the same! and the way they filmed the show is kinda weird. *sigh* i wish they were still friends. :(

thats really about it in my silly little life right now. its summer...and i'm kinda depressed...is that bad? lol i dont like the summer anymore. yes i am crazy, but i think the events of last summer have ruined my outlook on summers. my mind thinks since its summer i'm supposed to be sad, like last summer. lol sounds crazy, but i did just say that i am crazy!
anyways... this is no florida. the summer here for me consists of working my ass off and sleeping. if i am lucky i get to spend some time at zak's pool which is just heaven for me. but thats it. i miss the beach sooooo much. i miss waking up, going to the beach for a lil before work, going to work, then going back to the beach! haha good times! i def can't do that, the beach is hours away. i need a weekend off which i can NEVER get. so basically i'm stuck. w/e not all things are bad, i have more time to spend with zak now which is always a very good thing. i can't go a day w/o seeing him cause i miss him too much (hahaha very pathetic but very true).

i have to work 8am-6pm tomorrow so i guess i'll try to get some sleep

peace

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWINNER!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
hope you had a good one gorgeous!

repost saying I have lived through ____ of these 158 things.
instead of answering with Xs ( [x] ) answer with numbers ( [1] [2] )



[1] I have read a lot of books.
[2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[3] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[4] I have been to Canada.

[ ] I have been to Europe.
[5] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[6] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[ ] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[7] I have played ping pong.
[8] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[9] I have seen fireworks.

[ ] I have seen a shooting star.
[ ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I have almost drowned.
[10] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[11] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[ ] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[12] I have stayed up 'til 2 doing homework/projects.
[13] I currently have a job.
[14] I have been ice skating.
[15] I have been roller blading.
[16] I have fallen flat on my face. (probably doing 1 of the 2 things above, haha)
[17] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[18] I have been in a fist fight.
[ ] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
[19] I have watched the Power Rangers.

[ ] I attend Church regularly.
[20] I have played truth or dare.
[21] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[22] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[23] I've called someone stupid.
[24] I've been in a verbal argument.
[25] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[26] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[27] I've played softball on a team.
[28] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[29] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[30] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.

[31] I've climbed a rock wall.
[ ] I've lost more than $20.
[32] I've called myself an idiot.
[33] I've called someone else an idiot.
[34] I've cried myself to sleep.
[35] I've had (or have) pets.

[36] I've owned a spice girls CD.
[37 ] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[38] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[39] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[ ] I have sworn at someone of authority before. (if you count my mom, lol)
[40] I've been in the newspaper.
[41] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[42] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[43]'ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[44]ve watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ I've watched the 3 Stooges.
[ I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[45]I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.

[ ]I've been called a geek.
[ ]I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[46]I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[47]I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ]I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[ ]I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[48]I've written poetry.
[ ] I've been arrested.

[49]I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[50] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[ ] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[51] I've had/have siblings.
[52] I've been to a rock concert.

[53] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've been picked last in gym class.
[54] I've been picked first in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[55] I've cried in front of my friends.
[56] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[57] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.

[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[58] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[59] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[60] I've had serious conversations on any AIM.

[61] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[62] I've been forgiven.
[ ] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[63] I've cried at a chick flick.
[64] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[65] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.

[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[66] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[67] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[68] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[69] I've been in a car accident.

[70] I've done drugs.
[71] I've been homesick.
[72] I've thrown up.
[ ] I've puked on someone.
[73] I've been horseback riding.

[74] I've filled out more than 10 myspace/LJ surveys.
[ ] I've spoken my mind in public. (not entirely sure what that means)
[75] I've proved someone wrong.
[76] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.

[77 ] I've broken an arm/fingers.
[ ] I've fallen off a swing.
[78] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[79] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[80] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.

[81] I've lost my backpack.
[ ] I've come close to dying.
[82] I've seen someone die.
[83] I've known someone who has died.
[84] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[85 ] I've done modeling.
[ ] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[86] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[87] I've realized how good my life is.
[88] I've counted my blessings.
[89] I've made fun of a classmate.
[90] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.

[ ] I've slapped someone in the face.
[ ] I've been skateboarding.
[ ] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[91] I've lied to someone to their face.
[92] I've told a little white lie.

[93] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[94] I've fainted.
[95] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[96] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[97] I've been pushed into a pool.
[98] I've been/am in love.

kinda late, but HAPPY EASTER GUYS!

love ya!

SO FUCKING BORED!!

She Wants Revenge is amazing!!

ok so i'm really really really bored right now! thought i'd update, but i really dont have much to update about. i've just been chillin around the house this past week. well i did go to the She Wants Revenge concert on wed. and saw Inside Man last night (good movie). workin a lot, but just got a shitty ass pay check, boo that

even tho i've already talked to these people, i wanna say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILLY, JESSIE, and KATIE!!!!!


hope you guys had a good birthday!

people are so annoying

point 1:
V for Vendetta is AMAZING! everybody should go see it cause its one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. just amazing

point 2:
i fucking hate my job. i need a new one! i know that having a job isnt supposed to be fun or anything, but it would be nice! my job is boring as hell. but its boring and i hate it b/c its just not a challenge any more. i mastered everything in that theater, i moved up after only working for 3 months and now i have nowhere to go with that job. i'm stuck and i do the same boring thing everyday! boo that! i want a new, job. something unique where i dont have to do the same thing everyday. and no i can't work in the restaurant business cause i suck at it! lol

point 3:
spring break was like sweet and sour sauce lol its strange to compare it to that, but i think that really best describes my spring break. it was really really great getting out of NC and going back to FL. i was so happy to see twinner again! we got to see some awesome, kick ass concerts (starting line with copeland, cartel, gatsbys american dream, and red jumpsuit something. and then we saw matchbook romance with silverstein, amber pacific, early november). we hit up some really hot beaches like the beaches in sarasota, st.pete, and clearwater! had some amazing papa johns pizza while watching the family guy movie!!! had some amazing food at planet hollywood, and got to hit up pleasure island and danced for a few hours. so it was a really really good time but along with that, i got really really sick, some points got a little frustrating, and i hated saying goodbye. PLUS the events on the way home, one stop was awesome ;) but then around S.C. i hit a pot hole and totally blew out one of my tires and another one was like a mile's drive away from blowing out...really really early in the morning might i add. so we didn't get home until 7am (thats driving from 12pm-7am). sooo yeah, the best way i can put it is sweet and sour sauce!! lol but i loved every second of it! i was so glad to see twinner! ugh! i miss you sooooo much already girl! next up is your trip to N.C.!

point 4:
i love what i'm feeling right now...i am so in love with my relationship (and of course the person i am in the relationship with lol) its the most incredible feeling

i'm soooooo bored!!!


i cannot wait for spring break next week! i am so excited that zak is coming with me to fl!!i can't wait for him to meet twinner and see the place i miss so dearly!

Sat.4ht- Starting Line concert (with Gatsbys and Copeland) H.O.B (orlando)
Sun.5h-Sarasota Beaches!
Mon.6h-Sarasota Beaches!
Tues.7th-Sarasota!
Wend.8th-Clearwater Beach!
Thurs.9th-Twinner goes to Slightly Stoopid concert
Fri.10th- Matchbook Romance concert in Ybor Tampa
Sat.11th-i have no freakin clue
Sun.12th-zaky and i go home :(


when is ucf's spring break?


well i have so much to do before i leave, i hate that.

dude i got a ticket for "speeding" (60 in a 45 i think everybody does that) but i didnt have my NC license yet,and i was supposed to get it a long time ago lol, so i have to go to court this friday! AAHHH! i'm scared! i have no clue what i'm supposed to do or say or what! lol i have my license now, and the cop brought my speed down to 54 in a 45. so that was nice....maybe they will let me off? i dunno. i'm scared!!!

anyways i'm gonna peace
peace

mrrrr bad night last night i found my video camera and watched all the tapes i had. i saw people i haven't seen or spoken to in forever. i didn't know if i should laugh or cry...so i did both! some of this stuff is so funny and i knew what was going on behind the scene and what happened afterward so it made it all that much funnier. but i cried cause i miss these people to death! i miss all those stupid crazy fun times. some of the videos were from my last summer with my grandpa so that got me upset, it was the first time i saw a video of him since he passed away. then i watched some of the freshmen skit we had to do at fsc for soccer...i couldn't get through it all, i was bawling! i miss those girls so much, i miss soccer, i even miss my silly coaches! i miss being a fsc moc, i know i'll be going back to school soon (if i can ever decide on where to go) but nothing will ever be the same...i feel like i'll never meet people like the people i met at southern. taylor was in that video from the skit...i just can't believe she's gone. she was right there, laughing and smiling...now she's not here, i'll never get that. so that got me goin even more.

i dunno. so i thought talking to somebody would make me feel better but i couldn't get the nerve to talk...i'm not good at that at all. i just hate the fact that i'd be bothering somebody with my stupid issues. because 1st off i dont think anybody really knows where i'm coming from (i think is like one person in the world that feels kinda what i feel and i didnt want to call you cause i think we both would have cried and i wanted to stop crying) and if you dont know where i'm coming from or if you dont understand me then you wont really care. 2ndly nobody wants to hear me tell them how much i miss something...its not really an issue that people can help you with, they can just listen and i dont think people wanna listen to that (so i type it for all of you to read! lol). so yeah i can't do the whole talking thing...thank god for LJ!!

i have to go get my license now! later

so i totally had the best vday ever!! even tho it wasn't on vday (cause we both had to work), it was still def the best! zaky took me to olive garden (one of my most fav. places to eat) yummmy!!!! then we went back to school. it was freezing outside, and i wanted to get inside as soon as possible (i hate the cold) so i guess we just open our gifts in the warmth of zak's car! i got him some little stuff, like Tommy smell good stuff, bob marley greatest hits cd, and these two shirts that will look soooo hot on him (well i saw the one on him and it is very sexy)...mmmm got him a little teddy bear that holds a sign saying "i love you zaky" and 3 roses (one yellow-for friendship, one red-for love, and one red not real one so it will never die) and little notes on each rose.
but he was just so sweet to me!! i have the blink greatest hits cd (finally) but never got the dvd, so he gave me the dvd!! YAY!!! i am not a huge fav of chocolate but there are these chocolates that i really really love (ferrero rocher) so he got me those in a little heart container (so cute) and he got me this beautiful silver necklace with a really really pretty heart on it. well i got the pic of it cause it hasn't come in yet but if the pic is that pretty i can't imagine how gorgeous it must be in person!! i deserve none of that tho! i am really spoiled, but i love it!! he gave me all of this, but i think my fav part of the gift, was the card! it was just so sweet!!! i really loved what he had to say to me!

that night i stayed the night at uncc with him. we watch the blink dvd (awesome) and just enjoyed each others company! loves it!! my boyfriend kicks ass!!


i'll be in FL for spring break in a week!! AHHHHHH!!!! i can't believe that time is almost here, but i can't wait! wooo! lol

peace

lol well since the trend on lj is the subject of weight...i have lost no weight and i dont care!! lol nah i lost a shit load of weight over the summer due to depression, i'm not so depressed anymore so that diet doesn't work for me!

just got back from work...can't wait to watch the game (oh happy super bowl day!)! i'm really really sleepy! i stayed up the past few nights and def should't have, i'm so dead (but it was def worth it)! the place i work at opens like and hour and a half earlier than it used to so i have to get up much earlier and work longer days; it takes a toll on me.

this time next month i'll be enjoying my spring break with my sexy bf and my hot twinner in FL! w00t! i really can't wait! its about time i get outta here for a while (even tho i took a weekend off to go to boca not to long ago lol) its cold...and kinda boring at times. so yeah! yay to spring break! ya to zaky! and yay to twinner (i miss you so much bitch)!!!

hum i think thats about it right now...i just got bored of typing lol i'm gonna take a shower and find some food

peace

soooo boca was fun! got picked up at 4am on sat. morning! we finally got to boca around 5 after a few more pit stops we planned to take (lol thats mostly my fault...i pee all the time). had a fun little party with the crew sat. night!!! i loved being with everybody again and i had a great time! besides a little misunderstanding between myself and zaky (which was resolved)...the night was good ol fun!
sunday was filled with football fun and tomassos pizza! yum!
and monday was more tomassos and me leaving! i'm sad it was so short but i did have a blast! i dont think there are words to explain how happy i was to see everybody(i love you guys)!!!
i got home yesterday after hours of delays. but it was ok cause i still spent the night with my baby!!!! loves it!!!!

thats about it...i'm trying to get a hold of work right now cause i have no idea when i work next...but apparently they dont know either! lol sooo thats weird. i dont work as much as i used to and that makes me sad. i am thinking about getting another job i can work like a midnight shift at or something. i dunno tho.

i cannot wait for spring break, or summer....i actually can't wait to be back in school. well i'm taking one class now but its not the same...i def dont feel like i'm in school. i live at home, have one class, i dont go out as much, and i dont have a lot of friends....kinda blah! lol you know!

thats about it for now! i have to pee (go figure)
peace

i just spent the past two nights and days at the uncc campus with my amazing boyfriend!! i had so much fun (besides being a total blonde and besides a 830am wake up call from a fire alarm)! last night was the Bon Jovi concert! they totally kick ass live! omg i loved it! i was surprised to hear them play most of the songs knew, he played a lot of old stuff. only like 4 songs from his Have A Nice Day album. but it was soooo much fun (thank you so much zak)!

so i said i totally pulled a "blonde" weekend this weekend...lol...well it starts when i went to target to pick up some stuff for zaky and blink 182's greatest hits cd...i get in my car and was gonna put the cd in but it wasn't in the bags i had...neither was half the stuff i bought! lol well duh cause i left a bag in the damn store! lol then while doing laundry last night...apparently we put way too much soap in the wash cause we go to put the wash in the dryer and the wash was nothing but bubbles!!! hahaha there were bubbles everywhere in the wash machine so we had to wash them again but w/o soap! hehe duh! we look at the washing instructions and it says to put two tablespoons of soap in...yeah we put like a big cup full!!
then today, after walking all the way across campus to get to my car and go home...i realize...I DONT HAVE MY KEYS!!!! lol i left them in my other purse which i left in zak's room! so i had to walk all the way back to the room and wait for zak to get outta class so i could get in his room and get my keys! lol luckily while i was waiting one of his neighbors let me go in his room and watch tv! lol nice kid!

so yeah! good times!!!

i go to boca tomorrow! i'm excited to see good ol' Boca Raton! i miss palm tress, beaches, and cool peps! i miss connie and billy and ma and dad and everybody! so it'll be fun!

!!!!!!!!!!!!OH YEAH!! HEY EVERYBODY!! I HAVE A NEW CELL NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

704 560 9425

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SAVE IT IN YOUR PHONES AND HIT ME UP SOMETIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tonight = staying on uncc campus with my zak!

soon = gettin a coaching job for a club soccer team (South Charlotte)

Jan.18th = Bon Jovi Concert

Jan.20th-23rd = Me in Boca

March 3rd-14th = Spring Break (hopefully w/zak, twinner, and chris)

May 2nd = Fall Out Boy concert!! w/All American Rejects, Hawthorn Heights...and somebody else I forget lol

i'm sooooooo excited and sooooo in love!

loves it!

my computer has been sucking balls so its been hard to get on here and update. but yeah...

school starts in a few days...my dumb ass is only taking one class this semester at cpcc still. why? b/c i didn't have the money to register for classes when i should have and now that i have the money all the classes where taken, so it looks like i'll be enjoying a semester of summer classes this summer so i can transfer somewhere, probably uncc. boo to school and boo to everybody who took up the classes!

work is going ok. for some reason i'm not on the sched. at all this week, that kinda pisses me off and scares me. i need the hours, i need that damn money so i can get outta my house and so i can go to school next semester.

i am excited for this month tho! lots of fun things coming up! i'm stoked for the bon jovi concert zak and i are going to on jan.18th. jan 19th marks the two months zak and i have been dating (and what an amazing two months its been!!) Jan. 20th-23rd i will be in boca!! i'm excited!!

i just finished reading the Da Vinci Code! i have never read a book so fast in my life! i loved it so much! i am ready to go out and get the rest of the Dan Brown books! hehehe but i'll start on those after i read Paris Hilton's and Nicole Richie's books!!

thats about all thats going on in my little life right now. i'm just straight up chillin really. i'm bored of writing so i'm gonna bounce...
peace